Gifts speak louder than words: a signal that shouldn't be ignored

Do you think gifts are just a pleasant gesture of attention? In fact, they hide our childhood scenarios, inner needs, and the way we assess our own worth. Psychologist Yelyzaveta Savchenko in a conversation with LIGA.net explains how gifts can strengthen or destroy relationships and how to give them in a way that truly brings joy. Subscribe to learn the psychological secrets of every gift.Why is it important for people to give gifts, and what psychological needs do we fulfill by doing so?The need to give gifts has several levels and motives, explains psychologist Yelyzaveta Savchenko.1. A basic and healthy motive. Gifts are one of the ways to show care, attention, and warmth, to tell a person: "You are important," "I'm thinking of you," "I see you." It is a universal way of expressing love, participation, and mutual respect that works in partnerships, families, and friendships.2. It is not limited to "women's needs." Receiving gifts is pleasant and important not only for women. Men also need recognition, attention, and gestures of care, even if they express it less often in words.3. More complex, unconscious motives. Sometimes gifts become a tool:to atone for a fault;avoid open dialogue;compensate for the lack of emotional contact;to earn love, approval, or respect.4. In such cases a gift ceases to be a gesture of attention, but becomes a way to resolve an internal deficit or control the situation.5. The boundary of a healthy relationship. In harmonious relationships, gifts should not form the basis of the connection. When financial or material things become the primary mode of interaction, codependency can develop: one partner becomes dependent on the other and makes decisions not out of freedom, but out of fear of losing support.6. Childhood experience. The need to give or receive gifts often has its roots in childhood:some received little or had to "earn" a gift;some people didn't receive them at all;Some people in adulthood compensate for their own deficiencies by generously giving to children.7. These scenarios may be unconsciously repeated in adulthood.8. Practical application. Gifts sometimes have a pragmatic character – in work or business relationships, they can signal respect or goodwill.Before giving a gift, it's worth asking yourself, "What need am I fulfilling by doing this now?" Understanding your motivation helps make gifts sincere and avoid conflicts when a gesture of care gets mixed up with unresolved inner needs.What does a strong desire to receive gifts mean, and what emotional needs does it indicate?As psychologist Yelyzaveta Savchenko explains, the need to constantly receive gifts is often not about things, but about deeper emotional processes. In the modern world, under the influence of social media and the demonstration of luxurious gestures, this desire can become a way of affirming one's own worth."Usually, it indicates an inner 'emptiness': low self-worth, a need to feel significant and accepted through external attributes – gifts, brands, material possessions. Such people unconsciously 'borrow' a sense of value from things."Self-esteem is formed from childhood through unconditional acceptance and warmth. A lack of such experience can lead to gifts becoming a way to fill the deficit. However, the satisfaction from them is short-lived: after an emotional high, a person returns to a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction."Gifts can contribute to healthy relationships if they are a manifestation of attention and care, but they should not be the main marker of love," says the expert.The main thing is to separate your own worth from material things. Gifts only complement relationships, not replace inner support and a sense of self-worth.How gift-giving affects relationships in a couple, family, and friendshipExchanging gifts, emphasizes Yelyzaveta Savchenko, can either strengthen relationships or expose problematic areas within them – depending on motives, expectations, and the ability to listen to each other.In a healthy relationship model, a gift is a form of attention and interest. It's not about the price, but about involvement: it's important to know what a loved one's life is like, what they are really interested in, and what might please them specifically. When a gift is chosen based on the other person's interests, rather than one's own ideas or convenience, it positively affects the emotional connection.Instead, a common situation is when people give gifts that they like, rather than what the recipient would like. In this case, the gift becomes a way to fulfill one's own need—to feel "good," to check a box, or to avoid tension—but not an act of care. This can cause irritation, resentment, or a feeling of not being heard.A separate aspect is formal or "throwaway gifts." When a person clearly expects one thing and receives a random item without considering their wishes, it's a signal not so much about the gift itself, but about the quality of the relationship. In such cases, the psychologist notes, it's worth talking not about things, but about communication and the level of attention in a couple or family," says the psychologist.At the same time, Savchenko emphasizes that unsolicited gifts also require caution. Even with good intentions, they can carry a hidden message or not match a person's lifestyle. A classic example is gifts that reinforce imposed roles or expectations. Therefore, sometimes a simple question like "what do you really need?" is a much greater sign of respect than a surprise.Gifts also often become a point of tension in relationships when expectations do not match capabilities. If one partner wants expensive gifts that the other objectively cannot afford, it is important to honestly ask yourself: what is the priority now – this relationship or a certain level of material gestures? And here, according to Yelyzaveta Savchenko, it is not about "right" or "wrong", but about compatibility and honesty with yourself and your partner.Overall, the psychologist concludes, with an adequate approach, gift-giving can strengthen a bond. When a gift is a desire to please, to thank, to support, or to share joy, it becomes a resource for the relationship, not a source of conflict.Why gifts become a source of conflict and what this reveals about relationshipsYelyzaveta Savchenko emphasizes that conflicts around gifts rarely concern the gifts themselves. They usually expose deeper problems: the level of attention, the ability to listen to a partner, and the willingness to invest in the relationship."Frequent situations include when a person expresses the importance of gifts, but their partner ignores it for years, or when formal, random items are given without considering the recipient's interests. Such gifts are perceived as indifference and can cause irritation or a feeling of not being heard."Another case is when gifts are too expensive or inappropriate for the recipient's psychological readiness. This is not about devaluing the giver, but about the inability to accept attention and gifts. The ability to accept gifts is important, and often one needs to work on internal prohibitions and attitudes," says the psychologist.Gifts are a litmus test of relationships: they show whether there is contact, whether you are heard, and how you value your worth in the relationship.How to choose a gift that is truly about the personThe most reliable and easiest way to choose a gift is to ask the person directly what they want or what they like. This avoids situations where the gift reflects the giver's preferences rather than the recipient's.If a person doesn't know what they want, you can ask their loved ones for advice – friends, relatives, or a partner. It's important to learn about their interests, hobbies, and passions, and choose a gift in that context. This approach shows attention and care for the other person's needs."Even when there are no financial or material limitations, it makes sense to pay attention to specific needs and desires. In most cases, a monetary gift is also a good alternative – especially if the person is undecided or saving up for a larger purchase. Contributing to the realization of a grand dream can be no less valuable and meaningful than a direct gift," says psychologist Yelyzaveta Savchenko.Thus, the right gift is not so much about money or a brand, but about a thoughtful attitude to what is really important and interesting to the person to whom it is given.Read alsoOnly the children of robbers will have Christmas presents: the Argentinian apocalypse and its lessons

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