"They know your weak spots": how to avoid becoming a victim of manipulation and master the "sandwich" method

Manipulation is not always obvious pressure or aggression. It is often imperceptible, works quietly and at a subconscious level, forcing you to make unwanted decisions.Anastasia Dovbenko, a psychologist specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy, says: LIGA.net, why we become vulnerable to manipulation, how to recognize hidden influences, and what simple practical steps help maintain inner resilience and control over our own lives.Why manipulators act covertlyManipulators often don't realize their own influence, says psychologist Anastasia Dovbenko.Conscious manipulation is another level, inherent in people with a high level of awareness or sociopathic traits: they consciously use it to control others.Unobtrusive manipulators They usually don't feel significant, so they try to achieve what they want indirectly. For example, in relationships, both men and women may unconsciously play on the fear of rejection, using phrases like I can leave you. or I will break up with you..As the expert explains, this is not direct pressure, but hidden manipulation. Direct pressure is easy to recognize, while subtle manipulation works until it is recognized.In many European countries and the USA, manipulation is sometimes perceived as part of communication – one can say it directly, even jokingly: You're manipulating me right now., and this is not considered toxic behavior. In Ukraine, manipulation remains a common way of communicating. It works through emotions – guilt, fear, shame, or the desire to be "good," which diminishes the ability to think critically.Conscious manipulators: how "cold reading" works in their favorAccording to Dovbenko, in addition to unconscious everyday manipulation, there are conscious manipulators – fraudsters, fortune tellers, and other people who have a good understanding of psychology and use it for their own purposes.Such manipulators possess the skill of "cold reading": they analyze a person's gait, gestures, facial expressions, and reaction speed to identify their vulnerabilities.Using various techniques, they can make a person do things they wouldn't normally do, from losing money to making dangerous decisions.One of the vulnerability factors is the phenomenon of a "good person" – when a person sacrifices their own needs for the sake of others. As Anastasia Dovbenko explains, manipulators first gain trust and then apply strategies, such as "three simple questions," to which the victim answers "yes," creating a sense of trust and opening the way for manipulation.To protect yourself from such deliberate manipulations, the psychologist advises:Developing critical thinking means learning to notice potentially dangerous signals and immediately distance yourself from a person who may be manipulative.Learn to say "no" and don't be afraid to look "bad" if it protects your own needs and safety.Recognize your own boundaries and prioritize them, even if it causes temporary negative emotions.Manipulation and the "Good Girl" Phenomenon in SexualityPsychologist Anastasia Dovbenko draws attention to the connection between manipulation and the "good girl" phenomenon."This refers to situations where, in childhood, parents did not teach a child to interact with the world based on their own needs, but instead formed a model of conditional love. The child received care, acceptance, and basic psychological needs not unconditionally, but 'for behavior.' Thus, the child learns to satisfy the needs of others for the sake of safety and approval," she says.In adulthood, this often complicates the ability to say no, including in a sexual context. Women may agree to intimacy not out of their own desire, but due to internal discomfort: "It's awkward to refuse," "I feel sorry for the person," "What if they get offended?" In such cases, consent is formal, but in reality, it is based on manipulative influence.Behavioral traits that signal vulnerability to manipulationIn everyday life, we often encounter people who constantly agree, make excuses, or avoid conflicts. Such reactions may seem like politeness or caution, but psychologist Anastasia Dovbenko emphasizes that they often hide a vulnerability to manipulation.The expert highlights the main signs that help identify people who are easy to manipulate:The difficulty of saying "no" – especially when it comes to matters of the heart, and without explanation. Such people often feel uncomfortable, ashamed, or want to "disappear" from the situation, even when the rejection is perfectly normal.Constantly justifying oneself Explaining one's decisions, choices, or boundaries signals that the person is, in a way, asking for permission to be themselves.A sharp sense of guilt. – especially if someone nearby is unhappy or disappointed.Lack of inner support. – weak contact with one's own desires and needs; strong orientation towards the opinion of the environment, social approval, or financial status.Strong orientation towards external evaluation – dependence on the opinion of a partner, colleagues, friends, or financial situation.Money-related shame – both for their absence and for their presence; this shame becomes an easy tool for manipulation.The desire to preserve peace at any cost. – avoiding conflicts even at the expense of one's own needs; often accompanied by accumulated passive aggression.Accumulated passive aggression. – Suppressed emotions manifest through self-blame, psychosomatic symptoms, or emotional exhaustion.Difficulties in open dialogue – people either withdraw into themselves or violate the boundaries of others to avoid conflict; typical phrases: "don't quarrel", "everything is fine", "let's live in harmony".Life through external evaluations – focusing on the expectations of others instead of one's own desires and needs.Why the tendency to fall under manipulation is not about a weak characterA person can be strong and determined, but at the same time have an insufficiently formed inner support and misconceptions about themselves and their interaction with others, so falling under manipulation is not related to a weak character.Responsible, empathetic, and goal-oriented individuals—athletes, leaders, and businesspeople who achieve significant results—often fall prey to manipulation.One of the most common beliefs that increases vulnerability is: the need to be "convenient"Even a person in a leadership position may try to please everyone at once: management, colleagues, and their former team. This creates an internal conflict in which any decision is perceived as a threat to relationships.Another common belief is related to by avoiding confrontationFor example, in family relationships, this can manifest as a desire to be both a "good son" and a "good husband" simultaneously. Outwardly, such behavior sometimes looks like infantilism, but in reality, it's about the fear of open confrontation.Another deep-seated attitude is – the belief that love and acceptance must be constantly earnedIn such a case, a person acts not out of their own needs, but out of a desire to meet the expectations of others, which over time leads to emotional exhaustion even with external success.The Need for Approval as a Factor in Vulnerability to ManipulationThe need for approval, explains Anastasia Dovbenko, makes a person particularly sensitive to pressure. In tense situations, the focus shifts from one's own needs to the desire to reduce internal discomfort.This tension is formed from feelings of guilt, shame, fear of upsetting others, and accumulated passive aggression. As a result, a person begins to satisfy the needs of others at the expense of their own.According to her, this mechanism is particularly evident in financial matters: "People often lend money not because they have the means, but out of fear of refusing. The internal belief 'I'm a good person' forces them to compromise their own safety."At the same time, the expert notes, a person may be perfectly capable of solving their own problems, but in a tense communication, they become vulnerable to emotional pressure. Manipulators sense this well and use hints, insults, or silence, which often works more powerfully than open aggression.Similar mechanisms are at play in close relationships, where shame and guilt over "unjustified expectations" create additional room for pressure. According to Dovbenko, people who easily give in usually lack a sufficiently formed inner support – a clear understanding of their own needs and desires.She emphasizes that internal pressure cannot be relieved by external actions. Attempts to avoid tension through adjustment, concessions, or self-sacrifice only reinforce vulnerability to manipulation, while relying on one's own needs is a basic function of the psyche.What changes in an interaction when a person reacts differently to manipulation?Change begins with an emotional reaction, or more precisely, a change in the way you respond. A refusal without excuses – a calm "no" without explanation – breaks the usual pressure scenario and deprives the manipulator of the opportunity to continue influencing.Another change concerns the boundaries of responsibility. When a person clearly understands what they are responsible for and what they are not, shifting other people's emotions and needs stops working as a tool of pressure.Anastasia Dovbenko warns that this inevitably affects relationships. Some contacts transition to a healthier format, while others are reduced or disappear. This is especially noticeable in family relationships, where guilt-based manipulation eventually destroys interaction on both sides.Simple, practical steps and phrases that help stop manipulation without open conflict.One of the most effective ways to stop manipulation is the so-called " the "sandwich" methodThe essence of it is to voice a clear refusal between two neutral-positive phrases – exactly what manipulators usually don't expect."For example, in a situation where you're asked to lend money, it might sound like this: I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I don't have the means to lend you money right now. I'm sure you'll be able to resolve this issue., – explains the expert.According to her, short, calm phrases without explanations play an important role, giving the person time to make a decision. Formulations such as I need to think. or I'll answer later. They remove the urgency – a key tool of manipulation.Dovbenko also draws attention to phrases that help to refuse without conflict, while acknowledging the other side: "I hear you," "I understand your situation," "I'm deciding differently"Such wording reduces tension and does not provoke escalation.Another key skill is to differentiate responsibility for another person's emotions. For example, in the situation: "You made me angry," a correct response could be: "Your emotions are your responsibility," "I didn't mean to make you angry. My goal was different, although I understand that you might have taken it differently".In situations where tension is rising, a pause in communication is an effective strategy. Temporarily postponing the conversation often reduces the emotional intensity and deprives manipulation of its power. For example: "There are a lot of emotions right now, we'll discuss it when we calm down."As a practical tool, Dovbenko advises writing down your own needs before difficult conversations. This helps you better understand your position and not slide into self-sacrifice.

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