What to do if the holidays remind you of losses: psychologists' advice

Winter holidays promise warmth, intimacy and light. But for those who are experiencing loss, this period can be the most painful. Experts explain that the contrast between "it should be joyful" and real feelings can be devastating.LIGA.net analyzed the findings of psychotherapist Oksana Mazepa and psychologist Svitlana Arefnia and collected the main techniques that help to survive this period.Why the holidays exacerbate the experience of lossThe winter holiday season creates a strong contrast between the expectation of joy and the actual experiences of people who have lost loved ones, homes, or stability.Read alsoWhy people suppress emotions during the war and how to recover – advice from a psychologist"I know this well from my own experience: after being forced to move from Dnipropetrovs'k to Ternopil, I felt how much the holidays can expose wounds that in everyday life are still somehow covered up," says Oksana Mazepa.According to her observations, three factors aggravate the pain:Contrast of expectations. Festive advertising, decorations – this external glitter only reinforces the internal loneliness and the feeling that "you are not like everyone else."Memory triggers. Holiday smells, food, traditions, and melodies are emotional markers. They bring us back to who or what we have lost.Resource depletion. The end of the year is a time to take stock. People in displacement, people under stress or in grief are already depleted of resources. And the holidays require energy that may simply not be available.The contrast between the external "it should be fun" and the internal "it hurts" is a normal brain reaction to a sharp gap between expectation and reality, says Svitlana Arefnia.Normal reaction or warning signal: when to seek helpSadness, crying, apathy, or irritation during the holidays are normal reactions to loss. Natural grieving implies that a person is at least minimally functioning and not avoiding contact completely. At the same time, there are signs of complicated grief:all-consuming sadness most of the day for several weeks;complete social isolation;a sharp deterioration in sleep, nutrition, and hygiene;a sense of hopelessness and intense guilt;no changes even after a year.Seeing a specialist is not a weakness, but a responsibility for one's own condition, emphasizes Mazepa.How to make the holiday season easier: practical stepsIt is important to create a space for yourself where you can both breathe and remember. The experts offer a number of techniques to help reduce emotional stress and integrate memory without destruction.1. Allow yourself not to celebrate. A person is not obliged to demonstrate joy. It is enough to honestly define your limits to your loved ones: "This year I will spend the holidays quietly. I need it now."2. Create a new ritual of remembrance. They make it possible to transform pain into honoring loved ones. In science, this is called continuing bonds – a safe way to stay in touch with the memory of a loved one. It does not "turn back" but rather helps the psyche to make the loss an integrated part of life. You can:light a candle in honor of a person or home that is gone;leave the "memory chair" at the holiday table;hang a special toy on the Christmas tree;prepare a dish that symbolizes an important person;write a letter to the person you lost.3. Time out for sadness. Set aside 15-30 minutes a day to consciously process grief: crying, reminiscing, thinking. And then move on to activities that require concentration.4. Therapy through service. Volunteering and helping others is a way to regain a sense of meaning5. Body grounding. When the pain is overwhelming, the body goes into a state of hyper-arousal. They work well:a warm bath or a warm blanket (body safety signal);slowly bending forward or hugging yourself with your arms;breathing 4-6 (inhale 4 seconds, exhale 6) – activates the vagus nerve.6. An anti-lonely plan. It is important to plan ahead: who will I be with that day? What places or events might overwhelm me? A plan in advance reduces anxiety and restores a sense of control.How to support a person who is going through a painful time during the holidaysA person in grief does not need advice. They need a presence, a witness, experts emphasize.What not to say:"Everything will be fine", "don't cry, you have to be strong", "don't be sad, it's a holiday" – prohibits emotions, increases internal shame."Time heals" is trite and often perceived as a devaluation."You have to live on for the sake of..." – shifts responsibility and adds guilt."Everyone goes through it" – every grief is unique.What not to do?Dragging people to loud celebrations despite their condition.Speaking instead of her how she "should feel".Compare her loss with the experience of others ("I had it worse/better").What to say instead:"I am very sorry that you are in so much pain. I'm here for you.""It's really hard""Do you want to talk about (name of person)?"How to help? Offer specific help, not a general "write if you need anything":Name the reality: "I see that you are having a hard time. I am here and I can be there for you in any way that works for you."Give the right to choose: "Do you want us to be there for you, or do you want to be alone?"Offer a simple action: warm tea, a walk, help with chores, pick up the kids from school, bring dinner.Be able to pause: silence around you sometimes heals more than words.How do you talk about your needs when you are in pain?"This period is very difficult for me, I can be less active/inactive.""I am grateful for the invitation, but I will not be able to join this year.""I need some silence.""Please don't talk about...".Is it worth creating new traditions? Yes. Examples:A new annual winter walk.A new dish that symbolizes hope or renewal.A new tradition of charity on holidays.For IDPs, creating new anchor habits in a new place is a way to put down roots without erasing the past.How to talk to children about loss during the holidaysChildren can sense the atmosphere very accurately: they notice an empty seat at the table, a change in mood, tension in the house, and often combine joy with sadness. Honesty is the healthiest strategy.1. Honest simple phrases: "We grieve because we love. But even when we are sad, there can be joy too." It doesn't work: "She went to bed", "She is somewhere far away". This creates fears and confusion. A child can ask the same question 10 times, and that's normal. This is how he or she integrates information.2. Small rituals of remembrance: a drawing, a candle, a memory. This gives the child a sense of control and the opportunity to express feelings through action.3. Normalizing two emotions at the same time: "We can be sad and have small joys at the same time. This is not a betrayal. Our love for him/her has not disappeared." This removes the child's guilt that often arises when a child laughs during a period of loss.4. Honesty about your own feelings: "I'm sad too. And it's okay. We will cope together." The child gets the most important thing – a sense of security.Allow yourself to feel. Ask for support. And remember: you have the right to live these days the way you want to. Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

What to do if the holidays remind you of losses: psychologists' advice

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