Toxic people: how to recognize them, why we don't notice them and what to do about it

Almost all of us have at least once interacted with people who left us feeling drained, guilty, or even ashamed. They are called variously: "energy vampires," "complex personalities," or simply toxic people. But who are they really? How do we recognize toxic behavior, why do we often justify it—and how can we protect ourselves?

LIGA.Life was helped to understand this by psychologist, Gestalt therapist, and director of the Institute for Eating Disorders (ITRHP) Elizaveta Savchenko.

What is toxicity and how to recognize it?

— Toxicity is not a personality trait, but rather a behavioral trait that causes psychological, emotional, and sometimes physical harm to others.

Such people are rigid — incapable of change, non-adaptive, non-empathetic. It is difficult for them to build mature, adult relationships. They are not in touch with their feelings, they do not know how to express them.

For example, instead of saying, "It annoys me when you do this. If you don't stop, I might lose self-control, so let's agree on something else," they resort to insults or manipulation, explains Elizaveta Savchenko.

The main signs of toxic behavior :

• Violation of personal boundaries
• Inducing feelings of guilt
• Manipulations
• Depreciation
• Undermining self-esteem
• Aggression, particularly passive aggression

— Toxic people often feed off of other people's emotions , especially negative ones, and try to control or dominate others. They are usually unable to build mature, healthy relationships and are unable to talk openly about their feelings.

"Such people often accumulate a lot of unexpressed emotions — anger, sadness, loneliness, envy. They cannot cope with them, so they react with toxicity," the expert adds.

Types of toxic people

1. People with mental disorders:

• Narcissists : Lack empathy, need admiration, manipulate, devalue.
• Border guards . Aggressive, emotionally unstable, often demonstrate drama and fear of abandonment.
• Hysteroids : They seek attention, provoke, and exaggerate emotions.

2. Everyday types of toxic behavior:

• Manipulators : They take offense, play the silent treatment, and make you feel guilty.
• Narcissistic personalities ... They do not tolerate criticism, they are attractive as long as it benefits them.
• Passive-aggressive . Sarcastic, punish with silence, use offensive jokes.
• Depreciators : "I know everything better" is their favorite argument.
• Gossipers and schemers . Manipulate information, undermine trust.
• Controllers ... They make everyone around them feel anxious and worried.

Why don't we notice toxic people around us?

One of the main reasons is that toxic behavior is often disguised as caring, love, or friendship, especially among those close to them. Often these are relatives, partners, friends, or colleagues.

— We can be in codependent relationships where we don't see the obvious. Moreover, many people are not aware of what is happening to them. They live according to unconscious scripts – and the unconscious, as we know, guides our decisions.

Toxic behavior includes emotional outbursts, instability, destructive statements, violation of personal boundaries, unwillingness to take responsibility for one's actions, refusal to admit mistakes or feelings of guilt, says the expert.

According to Elizaveta Savchenko, we don't notice toxicity because:

• Projection is when we ourselves exhibit toxicity but attribute it to someone else;
• Confluence – when the ability to distinguish one's own feelings from those of others is lost;
• Rationalization is when we justify someone else's behavior: "she's having a difficult time," "it's a character trait";
• Habit is when we grew up in a toxic environment and perceive such a relationship model as the norm.

"I always emphasize: the body is the coolest tool . We often ignore the bodily signals that arise when we contact other people. And in vain – they can tell us that something is wrong," says Savchenko.

How childhood experiences influence our choices

The roots often lie in childhood. If a person grew up in a toxic environment, where there was abuse or codependent relationships, they begin to accept such behavior as the norm.

"If a toxic adult has been around since childhood — a father, mother, grandmother, stepfather, or other close person — then such a model becomes part of the picture of the world. And then — abuse, gaslighting: when a person is forced to doubt their own adequacy, they impose a distorted reality and convince them that "this is how it should be," explains Elizaveta Savchenko.

In such cases, dependent or codependent relationships often form. This can be:

• emotional dependence (a person cannot imagine life without a partner);
• financial (fear of being left without material support);
• social (desire to maintain the status of "in a relationship" or not to seem lonely);
• or dependence on a partner who has another form of addiction - alcohol, drug, food, gambling, workaholism, etc.

Sometimes toxic relationships are not based on fear, but on a strong inner need. For example, the need to have a family, to be warm, to have at least someone around.

"Even if this need is only partially satisfied," says the psychologist, "a person is ready to tolerate everything else. After all, at least they get something. And very often, behind this lies a deep fear of loneliness or a fear of conflict. People are willing to stay in unhealthy relationships for years so as not to be alone with themselves or not to "rock the boat."

But one day — after starting therapy or reading a book — the rose-colored glasses come off. That is why, as the psychologist explains, working on oneself often leads to a change in the environment — and this is normal. When awareness arises, we are no longer ready to put up with what previously seemed familiar, — Savchenko emphasized.

Manipulations that destroy: guilt, devaluation, gaslighting

According to the psychologist, manipulators often make a person doubt themselves through guilt, shame, and fear. This may be disguised as concern, but has serious consequences.

"Manipulators actively use triggers — for example, guilt or fear of being "bad." Many online courses are even based on NLP — a technique that often works through manipulation. This is what influence techniques, sales, and even interpersonal communication are built on," says psychologist Elizaveta Savchenko.

The most common tactics are gaslighting ("you're too sensitive," "it's just your imagination"), emotional blackmail ("I do so much for you, and you..."), and devaluation ("without me, you're worthless").

"For example, a woman sees evidence of her partner's infidelity, and he convinces her that she is "hysterical," "mentally unstable," "crazy." Such behavior destroys the ability to trust herself, her feelings, and common sense. Such relationships are exhausting: boundaries are destroyed, anxiety, burnout, depression, and sometimes PTSD appear," the expert explains.

Emotional abuse is just as traumatic as physical abuse. What is particularly disturbing is that many of these stories have tragic endings.

"There are a lot of terrible stories on the Internet now about men who killed their partners. And it all started with manipulation, guilt, and devaluation. If women had noticed the "red flags" in time, the tragedy could have been avoided," says Savchenko.

What to do about this?

The answer is in working on yourself. The psychologist advises:

• develop self-confidence;
• form clear personal boundaries;
• learn to say "no" – even to relatives, friends, partners;
• Say goodbye to those who constantly violate your boundaries.

— When you have an internal framework, strong personal boundaries, toxic people will not even try to enter your life. It will be like an invisible shield. But to form it, you need to consciously work on yourself. It is a process, and it is worth the effort, — concludes Elizaveta Savchenko.

Energy vampires: who are they and how do they drain us?

An energy vampire is a person who feeds off your energy, often unconsciously, but sometimes quite consciously.

This is the one who shakes you up emotionally: provokes, clings, forces you to make excuses, starts conflicts out of thin air, explains psychologist Elizaveta Savchenko.

There are several typical scenarios:

• Provocations and arguments — out of thin air, just to provoke a reaction.
• Complainers – constantly complain, ask for advice, but don't change anything.
• Obsessive attention – for example, a man who has been texting you on social media for years but doesn't act on it.
• Hypercontrol – from a partner, parents, or manager.
• Manipulation through guilt – you are always to blame, you didn't like it, you didn't understand, you didn't respond.

"After contact with such a person, you feel tired, nauseous, and anxious. You just want to lie down and not talk to anyone. This affects not only your psyche, but also your body: you feel apathy, tension, and a feeling that everything has been "sucked out of you." In the long run, this is the path to emotional burnout," says Savchenko.

How to protect your borders: practical steps

According to the expert, protecting and restoring healthy personal boundaries helps avoid becoming a victim of toxic people. The most effective way is psychotherapy.

"Especially if you are 30+ and you have recognized yourself as a "victim" – it will be difficult to change the scenario without professional help. After all, your psyche is already used to allowing others to violate your boundaries," she emphasized.

In therapy, internal defenses are gradually formed: first, the "seed" of boundaries, then, a reinforced concrete wall that people don't even dare to breach.

Additional tools:

• keeping a self-reflection diary;
• reading literature about personal boundaries;
• viewing interviews and experiences of strong personalities;
• attentiveness to what you don't like in communication;
• practice saying "no" (even a week of training is already a result);
• tracking bodily reactions: the body is the most accurate indicator.

Healthy boundaries are not about selfishness. They are about taking care of yourself. If a person doesn't hear you and the relationship isn't improving, it's worth minimizing or completely ending contact, the psychologist emphasizes.

Emotional distance and self-support

One of the main skills in communicating with toxic people is emotional distance . If you are provoked, intentionally provoked by anger or resentment, do not join in. This is a conscious position: you are not obliged to react to every stimulus.

If someone is "pumping" you with emotions, don't join the game, says psychologist Elizaveta Savchenko.

— Ask yourself: what role do I play in this relationship? If you are constantly saving, supporting, comforting — this is a sign of codependency. It is worth realizing: you are not responsible for the emotions of other adults. We were born separately — and we will live our own lives. Manipulation is often disguised as "concern": when someone makes you feel guilty for their condition. You are responsible only for yourself, your actions, your emotions — and for your children under 18 , — reminds the psychologist.

Elizaveta Savchenko also emphasizes the importance of being able to support yourself. It's not just about meditation or sports, but also about your emotional environment. According to her, it's worth forming a circle of mature, adequate people with whom you can build healthy relationships. This is your "island of stability" in the world.

Self-support practices include:

• meditation, sports, walking, creativity;
• keeping a self-reflection diary;
• rest and permission to pause;
• understanding your bodily and emotional reactions: what makes you uncomfortable, what causes anxiety, where boundaries are violated.

The main thing is psychotherapy. Without deep work on yourself, it is difficult to maintain boundaries consistently.

"If YouTube and books were the solution to everything, we wouldn't have queues for psychotherapists," Savchenko concludes.

What to do if it is impossible to completely stop contact, and communication continues to be exhausting?

"The first thing I would do is find out in what context I'm not satisfied with this relationship," advises psychologist Elizaveta Savchenko.

Try to talk openly, using the "I-statement" technique – this is when you talk about your feelings, not about the other person's actions:

"I feel exhausted when we communicate in this tone," "It hurts me when I am criticized in front of others."

This is the first step — to give this relationship a chance and offer a different format of contact. But you need to understand:

1. It's not easy.

2. It takes effort on both sides.

3. And yes, the result is not guaranteed — there is a 50/50 chance that you will be heard.

If you are not heard, you need to emotionally distance yourself:

• Colleague – communicate only about work, without unnecessary conversations. You are working, not friends.
• Relative – if communication is destroying you, it can and should be stopped.

"I know it sounds harsh, but I'll repeat: there are no circumstances that would prohibit you from stopping communication with destructive relatives. If this seems impossible, it means you have internal obstacles: fear, guilt, imposed scenarios. And this is a matter of working on yourself," Savchenko emphasizes.

How to stay in touch — and keep yourself safe

If you can't completely avoid communication, Elizaveta Savchenko advises the following:

• Minimize contact: limit time, frequency, topics of conversation, and depth of emotional involvement.
• Clear boundaries: when provoked, stop the person with the phrase: "Stop. What you are saying/doing now makes me..."
• Monitor triggers and as soon as tension appears, end the conversation.
• Protection rituals: imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or waterfall, perform a cleansing ritual after communication (shower, salt bath, breathing practices).
• Psychological "disconnection" – techniques for breaking emotional ties are worth mastering, there are many of them in the public domain.

Containing emotions is the key to resilience

"Learning to contain emotions is not about "suppressing" anger or resentment. It's about the ability to endure your feelings without breaking down," Savchenko explains.

This is a serious skill that is rarely formed without support. Psychotherapy is a key tool here. Otherwise, emotions simply accumulate and eventually explode – through psychosomatics, panic attacks, depression.

Toxic work environment: there is a way out

In a toxic team, the principle applies:

"Communication – only at work. Only through channels. No personal involvement." If the situation is serious, contact HR or a people partner (in international companies this is a separate role, in Ukraine this is usually handled by HR). And don't forget: life is too short to work in a place where you are "shaken" by people, the expert reminds.

You don't need to destroy yourself to save a relationship. You don't need to save a relationship at the cost of your own health and life. This is the main thing to remember!