The 4 "Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in Relationships: How Stress Affects Men and Women and Why It Destroys Couples

The war has taught us to live on the edge of our capabilities. But while we hold it together on the outside, stress builds up on the inside, affecting not only us personally but also our relationships with loved ones."Stress in women and men often manifests differently. This is due to hormones, physiology, and individual behavioral characteristics," explains psychologist Inna Korchikova.Especially for subscribers LIGA.net We've prepared a practical guide on how stress affects relationships and what to do to bring warmth back into them.How stress changes relationships in a coupleStress always leaves its mark: it affects mood, psyche, and body. Ukrainians have been living under chronic tension for the fourth year now, but despite this, they continue to work, build relationships, and raise children, says Inna Korchikova:– Stress throws you off your "norm," but the level of tension depends on individual characteristics and the ability to recover. Stress changes both your psychological and physical state – tension, stiffness, and mood swings appear. And this inevitably affects your surroundings, particularly your relationships.The first signs that tension is starting to harm a relationshipThe first sign is the emergence of distance, explains the psychologist:– When a person is stressed, they need to conserve energy, directing it inward to cope with the tension. Therefore, in a couple, contact decreases, intimacy diminishes, and intimate desire weakens. Small things start to turn into big problems, and irritability appears: a partner begins to annoy with actions that were previously completely normal for both.If a couple doesn't respond to these changes, what is known as the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" can be triggered – signs that often precede a breakup:Accusation – complaints, reproaches, and shouting in response to situations that were previously resolved calmly.Depreciation – condemning your partner, when "everything they do is wrong," and resorting to personal attacks.Deafening protection – detachment, when a person seems not to hear their partner, denies everything, and acknowledges nothing.Detachment – when, in response to the complaint "you don't hear me," even more distance, indifference, and unwillingness to communicate appear.Stress in women and men often manifests differently. This is due to hormones, physiology, and individual behavioral characteristics, explains Inna Korchikova.How Men React to StressMen are more likely to withdraw into themselves during stress. This is one of the reasons why they may become emotionally distant. Sometimes, after a period of withdrawal, sudden aggression or irritability may occur.Physiological signs may include:tense muscles,insomnia,High blood pressure.How Women Respond to StressWomen, on the other hand, need to talk things through and have emotional contact more when they are stressed. They seek support, analyze the situation, and often "ruminate" on the same thoughts, trying to reduce tension.Women experience stress more emotionally, and these emotions are more difficult to control. This leads to emotional outbursts, tears, and a need for attention and conversation.Why do misunderstandings arise in a couple?Due to different response models:The woman wants to speak.The man wants to be in silence.As a result, she may perceive his detachment as indifference, and he may perceive her emotionality as pressure. In reality, however, they are both simply reacting to stress differently.How to tell the difference between indifference and exhaustion?– In therapy, I often ask the client, "If you remove the current stressful situation, would you want to be around this person as before?"In most cases, the answer is "yes." This helps to realize that the problem is not that the feelings have disappeared, but that stress and exhaustion change behavior. Often, a person notices: "It's not him/her who changed – it's me who is not in a good place right now," explains the psychologist.Then the focus shifts from "we have problems in our relationship" to "I/we need to take care of our condition and cope with stress."How Stress Affects Intimate LifeAccording to Inna Korchikova, during severe stress, the brain focuses only on the threat or problem, trying to control or solve it. Most of the energy is directed precisely at overcoming this state. Therefore, for the brain during such periods, there is no request for romance or intimacy – the psyche and physiology work in "survival" mode.What happens in the body during stress?The level of cortisol, the stress hormone, increases.Physical tension is increasing, there is no relaxation.The production of sex hormones and dopamine, the pleasure hormone, decreases.All of this directly reduces sexual desire.How do men react?In men, sexual desire can decrease sharply during periods of intense stress. The following often occur:erectile dysfunction due to nervous system overstrain,emotional detachment,a decreased need for intimacy."Sometimes, on the contrary, men turn to sex as a way of mechanical release. But this happens without emotional involvement – just as a physiological way to relieve tension. And this is often what they 'do wrong': the partner doesn't feel an emotional presence, and this increases the distance," says the psychologist.How do women react?In women, sexual desire sharply decreases under the influence of anxiety, tension, lack of security, trust, and emotional support. When stressed, a woman needs warmth, conversation, and a sense of security more. If these are absent, trust disappears, distance appears, and a feeling of unreliability towards the partner emerges. The body remains tense, and without relaxation, intimacy is impossible.For a woman, sexuality is inextricably linked to emotional intimacy and peace: when there is anxiety inside, the body operates in "danger" mode, not "intimacy" mode.What exactly do partners do wrong during stressful periods?When there is a lot of tension in a couple, they often start putting pressure on each other. The tension has to go somewhere, and instead of processing it consciously, partners start directing it towards their loved one, explains the expert:– A woman may cope with stress more emotionally or through conversations. Men, on the other hand, often feel a physiological need to "unwind" and relieve tension.A partner's role is not to pressure or demand, but to support and help find a safe way to relieve tension. Everyone has their own preferences – sports, massage, etc. It's important for both women and men to have their own ways of recovering so as not to transfer stress to loved ones.What to do when one partner shuts down during stress and the other needs supportFirst and foremost, it's important to understand that these are individual reactions, and everyone copes with stress in their own way. In a relationship, it's important to know not only your own patterns but also your partner's reactions – this is part of emotional intimacy and genuine support.When there is trust and openness in a couple, partners can talk about their states. For example: "My husband shuts down when he's stressed – it's not about me, but about the situation." "My wife seeks support when she's stressed – it's not a demand, but her way of coping with tension."Everyone experiences stress differently: for some, it's silence and withdrawal, for others, it's a need for hugs and words. It's important to notice these differences and not take your partner's reactions as a personal judgment.What to do in such a situation?You should be aware of your own reaction patterns, explains Inna Korchikova:– For your partner to be able to support you, they need to understand what you need in a moment of stress.Learning to understand each other. In a healthy relationship, there is room for questions:– "What do you do when things get tough?"– "How can I support you right now?"– "What looks like help to you, and what looks like pressure?"Remember that there is no universal instruction. Everyone will have their own individual request and expectations as to how a partner should react in a difficult moment.Personal habits that help you cope with stressKeeping a feelings journalKeeping a journal of your emotions can be a very useful practice, says the psychologist. This teaches you:recognize what is happening to me;understand why I react the way I do;recognize your needs in a moment of stress;formulate how you might tell your partner about it.You can make entries in a paper diary or simply in the notes on your phone.It's not just about "releasing emotions," but also about being aware of them: "Yes, I have the right to react this way. And in such moments, I need this kind of support from my partner."Allow yourself to ask for help.People often face internal prohibitions: "How can I tell my partner about this? They should have guessed it themselves."It's important to be able to talk about your feelings and allow yourself to ask for support, rather than expecting your partner to read your emotions without words, says Inna Korchikova.Habits and rituals that will help you maintain a warm relationship with your loved onePositive development of interactionThis is a general term I use to describe small, everyday actions that strengthen an emotional bond. These can include:Kind words.humor;support and care;light touches, hugs, a gesture of attention.This gives your partner the feeling: "I'm not alone. I'm by your side even when things are tough for you."If one of the partners has temporarily greater psychological resilience, they can become the one who "builds a bridge" between them: supports the initiative in communication, reminds them of their commonality, and helps them return to contact.Returning to solving everyday issues togetherCommunity rituals work well:discussion of responsibilities;planning time together;shared enjoyable activities (walks, music, movies, relaxation).The main thing is to do it together, not in parallel, each in their own world.Returning to warm memoriesSometimes useful:remembering the beginning of a relationship;view photos;talk about the moments that were important to you.It brings you back to a place of closeness and warmth, and reminds you why you're together.Value-orientedAsk yourself, "What do I want to do for my partner, based on my values?"This is about the foundation of a relationship:– Who am I in this couple?– What kind of partner do I want to be?– what is natural for me: care? attention? shared time? actions? gifts?Another useful exercise: "How do you see our relationship in 10–20 years, considering how much can happen?"This is where values that can later be relied upon to support a partner or maintain warmth in a relationship are very well manifested.Read alsoWhen love becomes a prison: how to recognize codependency in a relationship