Trying to do it all is like doing the splits and failing: Karpa on why it's OK to give yourself a break

Irena Karpa is a writer, frontwoman of the band "Faktychno Sami", a teacher, wife, mother, and a person who is not afraid to say out loud what others are only thinking.

Her work is like an honest conversation with a friend: without embellishment, but with warmth and meaning. Especially for LIGA.Life , Irena spoke about internal conflicts, the balance between work and motherhood, and why sometimes you need to disconnect from yourself and just live.

Irena Karpa's rules of life

— I slowly enter the day

I read a book and drink coffee. All this in bed in the morning, when I have the opportunity to take my time. I love it.

When I'm at home in Paris, Louis goes to work in the office, and before he leaves, he puts my coffee on the table. Our table is a cajon, by the way.

I read as many books as I find interesting. If I have time, I do sports, then I feed the dog. Like everyone else, I sin by scrolling – memes about cats and dogs are a good way to save my mental health. But a book is my constant, I fall asleep with it and wake up with it.

— To keep up with everything is to stand in a splits and constantly mess up somewhere

I don't do everything perfectly. I look at some people who seem to really do everything – they release new albums and write books. And it seems to me that everyone compares themselves to someone and constantly thinks: "Someone can do more."

Now, to this is added: how much have you done for the Armed Forces of Ukraine, how much have you raised at the auction, what kind of audience do you have... And at some point, you get the feeling that you're not getting anything done.

For example, I recently missed the deadline for submitting documents to the art lyceum that my daughter wanted to go to. And now I feel guilty. Although they tell me: maybe it's even for the better – there will be more options, other opportunities, maybe even a different profession. But it's all because I still earn money, teach – and this, in fact, is what brings the most income – for the same children, for their education.

That is, you are constantly "standing in a tight spot." And it's hard — even considering the fact that I have a husband who covers part of the expenses.

— Signed a pact to give myself some peace.

I have a lot of complaints about myself now. I have a problem with being kind to myself and thanking myself for something. I'm used to working hard, but I still tell myself: "You're lazy," because that's how I was raised.

I was at the Third Breath exhibition and signed a pact there to give myself some peace. By the way, I remember the last time it happened. I was walking my dog along a rocky shore (which is always a great excuse when you don't want to sit at a table at a party), recording some video, and I managed to literally catch two seconds of the sunset.

It was cool to let go of everything for a second and just enjoy the moment. It was really important for me to go there because it's a place that's very similar to where the final scene of the book I just turned in takes place. I spent three years writing it.

And even now, there's always a feeling that there's still a lot of work to do. Because, unfortunately, I'm not one of those people who sits and thinks: "Damn, I'm so cool, I'm so fucked!"

This needs to be learned. And I will be happy if I ever get to that point. But, probably, it will be when I become a happy 80-year-old grandmother (God willing), and I will have a piece of garden with some plants, and I will still be able to walk my dog normally.

I'm not saying this to make you think, "Oh my God, I didn't plant a garden either," or "I'm a bad mother too." Not at all. I'm saying that a lot of people think that way about themselves.

But I work really hard not to put myself down. By the way, I don't do that anymore – I don't "beat" myself up like I used to. But there are still a lot of things I would like to do better, things I would like to change.

But I know for sure that if you want something, it means it's possible. If you have a desire to have a garden, somewhere inside you have this opportunity. If you want to dance at 40, swing, sing, then you have it. If this desire inspires you, it's already a huge deal. This is already the first impulse.

— You need to be gentler with yourself. Tell yourself: "I have facapy. And Karpy has facapy too."

When something really bad happens (for example, a concert that no one came to at all) — that's just a starting point. The lowest. And after that, any concert that even three people come to — it won't seem so bad anymore.

That's why it's a good thing that unpleasant things happen to us. Because then we have something to compare it to, a point from which we can start to appreciate the good.

And our task (and mine too) is to learn to perceive and experience the good. When we are told something good, to hear it. To pay attention to those who love us, at least as actively as to those who do not love us.

Here's a conditional statement: you have a healthy child. That's great! Just imagine how much effort parents put into their sick child to get well.

Do your eyes see 90%? That's cool. There are people who can't even read without lenses. Do you have a dog you can walk, do you see the sunset, do you sleep in a cozy bed? If you have the opportunity to donate at least 10 hryvnias, that already means that there is a resource.

Thank yourself for that. Just understand: it's not all that bad (because you could live, for example, in Belarus or some other shithole and not have freedom of speech).

It's not about comparing who has it worse, but about learning to appreciate your moments. There are people who treat you well. There are those who can just smile at you. And it's better to shake these moments to universal proportions than to endlessly focus on the negative.

Because our brain is designed in such a way that fear, anxiety, sadness – they take everything away at once. And joy – it is one, poor, tiny. Therefore – rejoice. Laugh like children. You can run through puddles, jump on rubber bands, sing in a stupid voice in the bathtub. Everything that causes joy – this is the highest chic of modern times. And you should not deny yourself this at all.

— If I could go back, I wouldn't give my children gadgets

That was a mistake. It really takes away the interest in reading.

My children read, but very rarely. One daughter has read "The Hunger Games" , the other – Stephen King. And this is, to be honest, progress. But in general – they consume so much text online that they simply do not want to discover the world now the way we did.

Parents who don't give their kids gadgets and find things to keep them busy are cool. I want to be like that, and maybe I'll fix this "mistake" with my grandchildren.

Because when you work, and you're also a single mother, as I was for a long time, it's hard. You simply can't earn money and fully engage in child care at the same time. That's the truth of life. Not everything at once.

— Honesty in creativity is about having the courage to be heard by those you write about

I usually let the people I'm writing about read the text. So that they don't "faint." It's also a kind of warning – at least you're being honest about it all.

But of course, there are questions like this, especially from young authors: "Oh my God, what if my parents read this?" I once saw a really funny dedication, like: "Dedicated to my beautiful family. Please do not read the oral sex scenes in this book."

— Each period of life has its own

There was a time when I really thought about rewriting some of the songs from the Kurva Cum Back album because they seemed like teenage stuff. I was really embarrassed to go on stage with some of our lyrics from it. And then I just spat and said to myself, "This is postirony." Now I go on stage and say, "Listen, these are stupid lyrics, this is postirony. And that's it."

Rewriting them at forty would be a completely different matter. It is better to write a new text that corresponds to what is happening now.

— I keep to myself the part of myself that no one sees

This boring, eternally tired person who whines and complains... Unfortunately, it is she who gets the closest people – friends, husband. Children – less often. Because you can't whine and complain in front of children. They automatically transfer it to themselves. This is advice, by the way: children don't analyze, they just absorb.

The person you know publicly is different. I am known as a teacher – attentive, empathetic. I can hug everyone. I also show this soft part of myself. Perhaps you can recognize it in books. But there is a very blurred, sad part – it remains behind the scenes.

I don't like to whine in public. There are people who do it – they whine in public, quarrel, and spread some gossip. And that's also right. I, like everyone else, can be jealous, I can be a "Black Mouth" club, but I don't take it out on the outside.

I'm not one of those who only broadcasts "successful success." But I'm also not one of those who says, "Look how bad I feel." Although sometimes, maybe it would be worth it.

— I don't do anything related to the system: neither politics nor bureaucracy

I have some great friends from the systems left behind — and they are cool in their own right. If you take them out of that structure — they are great. But the system, as such, is simply deadly for people like me. And that taught me the main thing: I am a happy person. Because I can do what I love and what I am really good at.

Blitz poll

• Favorite book that I want to reread: Kate Atkinson – The book "Life after Life".
• Place of power — physical or emotional: Kyiv.
• What I would never forgive in a relationship: arrogance and contempt.
• What do you always take with you when you travel: a sleep mask – a must. I can't sleep without it on a train or a plane. I need darkness, complete darkness. And earplugs. I can't do without them. This is my basic "survival" kit on the road.
• What saves in moments of complete emotional fatigue: nature.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

— Perhaps the most valuable thing is to live every moment of your life. Both the good and the bad. Because when you die, they will be gone. And you will miss them anyway.

I think if you ask anyone who lives to their age, they will say that they regret not only what they lost, but also what seemed insignificant, inadequate, and imperfect at the time. But in reality, that's what life was all about.

So the best advice I can give myself is to look at every moment as something interesting. Just see the leaves falling, the people smiling. And allow yourself to feel. Including sadness.

I always tell my child: sadness is beautiful. Because so many good songs and poems are written about it. Embrace your sadness. It, like everything else, is not forever. Like life itself.

These are all the colors of our experience. And allowing ourselves to live them is normal. This is who we are. This is what it means to be a living person.

Because when someone is always positive, it arouses suspicion. Often, depression is hidden behind this. And, unfortunately, such people often take their own lives. Therefore, it is better to cry when you are sad. Laugh when you are happy. Feel sorry for yourself. Hug. Lie under the blanket, watch a TV series, eat ice cream.

We are so often cruel to ourselves. Too demanding. And we need to just be.