How to stay calm when everything is annoying: what is the "tolerance window" and how to expand it

If you frequently experience anxiety, sadness, panic, or anger, there may be a serious reason for it. You are likely outside your "window of tolerance."

"The window of tolerance" is a way to understand how the nervous system copes with stress, explains family therapist Emma Shendi Enway. When a person is within its limits, they are able to respond adequately to difficult or irritating situations and cope with stress and anxiety, notes therapist Carly Costello.

However, when you are overloaded, you are either "pushed up" or "pushed down" outside this window:

• The upper limit is a state of hyperarousal: "panic mode". Anger, anxiety, panic.

• The lower limit is hypoarousal: when you are "disconnected," emotionally numb, stunned, dissociated, or completely "turned off."

Trauma therapist Becca Moravec argues that this window isn't about not feeling complex emotions, but about learning to experience them while remaining calm and balanced. Although staying in this state is challenging, it's possible, as there are ways not only to maintain it but also to expand one's "zone of calm."

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Why it's difficult to stay within the "window of tolerance"

Due to the war, the tense political situation, high demands at work and in parenting, as well as constant immersion in thoughts, it is difficult to feel inner peace. In particular, this is influenced by the environment in which you were raised, because most people from childhood have faced the fact that it was customary not to feel and not to talk about emotions. Because of this, many have a reduced "window of tolerance".

Moreover, these "windows" also have sizes. For example, some people have a large window, so they cope with stress easily, while others have a narrow window, so even minor stimuli cause a strong reaction. Enway explains that this is a unique feature of the nervous system.

A person who leads a calm life, has a stable childhood and a safe environment, will have a large "window." If such a person gets stuck in traffic on the way to work, they will remain calm. But in people who have experienced childhood trauma, the "window" is usually narrow. Therefore, the same situation can cause a burst of anger, anxiety, or irritation.

How to expand your "window of tolerance"

Becca Moravec argues that even understanding this term and incorporating it into one's own vocabulary can positively affect the nervous system. Furthermore, it can be worked with through mindfulness practices, such as:

• meditation or mindful breathing;

• keeping a diary;

• restrictions on phone use;

• outdoor walks.

However, it is important to practice these techniques daily, as they have a cumulative effect, gradually calming the nervous system and helping to expand the "window of tolerance."

"Just find something that you really connect with and that helps you feel balanced, whether it's a free meditation on YouTube, or a yoga class, body movements – these little things that we all know about but sometimes don't put into practice, can really help," Costello added.

Moravec believes that healing occurs when a person gains a new experience that helps to rethink painful memories with new support and new outcomes.

Why it's important to stay within your "window of tolerance"

For some people, this task is not easy, as trauma narrows the "window," making a person more prone to sadness, panic, or anger. However, it is important to take steps to expand it in order to achieve a positive outcome.

"When we are balanced and stay longer within the 'window of tolerance,' we have healthier relationships with ourselves, others, and our community," says Moravec. "If a person spends too much time in a state of hypoarousal, for example, then we may see that they are angry, irritable, or behave in a way that keeps others at a distance, preventing close and deep relationships."

It's impossible to go through life constantly staying within the "window of tolerance" – getting upset or feeling depressed is part of the human experience. But when the day has been tough, it's important to know how to return to balance.

"I think it's very important that people don't get discouraged when they notice they've gone beyond this zone of tolerance, because even a person who has been healed will still go beyond these limits from time to time," Moravec notes.