When love becomes a prison: how to recognize codependency in relationships

Sometimes we strive so hard to be with someone that we unknowingly lose ourselves. Our desires take a backseat, we adapt, we endure, and we convince ourselves: "This is how it should be." But is this really love?

Especially for LIGA.net Psychologist Inna Korchikova explained in detail:

• what codependency is and where it comes from;
• what signs indicate that care is already harmful;
• why we confuse love with addiction;
• what keeps people in codependent relationships;
• Does codependency occur outside of a couple?
• how to break free from codependency and restore boundaries;
• what to do if only one partner sees the problem;
• whether it's realistic to cope on your own and when you need a psychologist.

What are codependent relationships and why do they occur?

Codependent relationships are a specific type of relationship in which people lose their own boundaries, identity, autonomy, and independence. The focus shifts from their own needs, emotions, and behavior to the life of the other person.

Generally, the topic of codependent relationships originates in the field of addiction research. Initially, the term was used in the context of addiction problems. Psychologists and psychotherapists focused on situations where there was addiction within the family, and on why a woman would not leave her husband, even if he abused alcohol or used violence. That is, the topic was considered from this perspective.

Subsequently, this term began to be researched more widely and studied more deeply.

In society, codependency is often understood as a relationship between a couple, but in reality, it can develop in the following ways:

• between parents and children,
• among friends,
• in professional activities,
• in education,
• in any other environment where there is interaction.

In other words, codependency is not limited to family or romantic life. In any area where there are relationships, there is a risk that they will become codependent.

Co-dependent relationships most often arise in those who, from childhood, have not developed their own boundaries, self-image, and autonomy. The reason for this is family experience. A child internalizes the relationship models transmitted by their parents. For example, a woman stays in a marriage "for the sake of the child," giving up her own autonomy and sense of self as an individual. She believes she is saving the family, but in reality, she is passing on a co-dependent model to her child, which the child may later reproduce in their own relationships.

A child can become involved in codependent relationships with their mother or father, becoming accustomed to putting others' needs above their own. Sometimes they take responsibility for their parents in order to gain love or avoid punishment.

Another reason is traumatic experience. If a person has already been in a toxic relationship and experienced abandonment, emotional or physical abuse, a pattern of dependence is formed: the feeling that you will not survive without another person.

Another reason is the inability to recognize and express one's own emotions. If a person doesn't know what they want, what they dream of, it's easier for them to fall under the influence of a "stronger" person who imposes their own rules and beliefs. In such a situation, a person completely dissolves into another, losing themselves.

Another factor is low self-esteem. All these factors are interconnected and create fertile ground for the development of codependent relationships.

What are the main signs that caregiving is turning into codependency?

First and foremost, it's a situation where I prioritize the needs and interests of another person above my own. It's when I lack emotional boundaries and "merge" with another person: their mood, emotions, and feelings. As a result, it seems as if my own experiences don't exist.

For example, if my partner or mother is in a depressed state, then I feel obligated to be in the same state. This is a manifestation of emotional fusion – a state where I am as if saying:"I'm just like you. I'm always here, no matter what."

The next signal is an inability to refuse. A person cannot say "no," cannot openly state their own needs. Behind this usually lies a fear of abandonment: if I refuse or don't meet another person's needs, they will leave me. And the person with such a fear usually has a deep-seated belief: I am not loved simply for being myself; love can only be earned through constant, close, codependent contact, through the complete fulfillment of others' desires and the renunciation of one's own.

Another indicator of codependency is the willingness to tolerate destructive behavior. Even when it hurts, is unpleasant, or uncomfortable, even if I feel inner protest and think: "Why are they treating me like this? I don't want this.", – I still keep silent and agree to endure.

And one more thing: a person gradually gets used to easily giving up their own plans, intentions, work, dreams, or desires for the sake of another person.

Why do we confuse love and addiction?

When we start to understand relationships, confusion often arises: "I still feel love for this person. I don't like how our relationship is structured, but I love her…" And here, a clear understanding of the difference is really needed.

What is love in a relationship? Love is primarily a feeling that manifests in relationships through respect for each other's boundaries, mutual support, and fostering the partner's growth. We rejoice in the freedom of another person to be themselves, we don't try to change or control them, but give them space for self-realization.

Dependence is driven by other processes: a strong fear of losing the relationship, constant anxiety about it. It is this anxiety that creates confusion – it is difficult to distinguish where love is, and where there is fear of loneliness and a need for control.

Where does the confusion come from?

Childhood experience. If in childhood love was associated with the fear of loss and was "conditional" – warmth, attention, and acceptance were given only for obedience – a false idea is formed: love must be earned. Instead of respect, support, and freedom to be oneself, substitute concepts arise.

Biochemical factor. Initially, during the "honeymoon phase," the release of adrenaline and dopamine creates a feeling of euphoria. We become accustomed to associating this state only with a specific person and easily perceive the biochemical excitation as "deep feelings." However, when problems arise, an internal conflict emerges: "Something's not right, but I felt that ease with him/her..."

Social guidelines. In our society, narratives such as the following are still alive: "To love is to suffer", "You have to live for someone else", "He hits – it means he loves". Such attitudes devalue personal boundaries and impose patience instead of care. They teach people not to think about their own autonomy, independence, boundaries, and desires – and replace love with control and self-sacrifice.

Love is freedom, respect, and mutual support. Dependence is fear, anxiety, and control. To unravel this "tangled mess," it's important to gradually distinguish between how love manifests in your relationship and where the substitutions begin, so as not to confuse true feelings with dependence.

How to break out of the cycle of codependency?

Exiting codependent relationships is a painstaking and difficult process. If a person hasn't developed their own boundaries or their boundaries are very weak, then rebuilding autonomy requires time, patience, and an internal focus on change.

Awareness. The first step is to acknowledge: "I don't like it like that. This isn't what I want." People often think: "That's how it should be, because mom/dad lived like that too." Therefore, the moment of realization, when I see that I feel stifled in the relationship, that I have to give up on myself – that is already a huge step forward.

Self-identification. Next, it's important to answer the question: "Who am I? What do I want? How can I achieve it?" This is a step towards rebuilding your own boundaries: the ability to say "I like this" or "I don't like this," to state your needs and desires.

Working with emotional fusion. Physically, you can pack your things and leave, but emotionally, a person often still "remains" in the relationship. Memories of "good times" pull them back, creating feelings of abandonment and emptiness. Therefore, it's important to learn to separate your emotions from the emotions of another person: "These are my feelings, and these are his/her feelings." This is the path to autonomy.

Taking responsibility. People in codependent relationships are often afraid to take responsibility – it's easier to let their partner, parents, or boss make decisions. But it is the development of the ability to make one's own choices and be responsible for them that forms a mature personality and breaks the cycle.

Professional support. Many people seek help from specialists only when they are exhausted, when they have almost no strength left, when the "seesaw" of devaluation and patience becomes unbearable. Then the process really resembles "pulling a hippopotamus out of the swamp." But it's best not to wait for the extreme point, but to seek help earlier, so that the support works more effectively.

What to do if one partner is aware of the codependency problem, and the other is not?

If one partner begins to realize the problem, while the other doesn't, the question arises: what to do? It's important to understand that:

We are only responsible for ourselves. It's impossible to force someone to acknowledge a problem if they don't want to. The only thing you can start with is your own changes: rebuilding self-sufficiency, self-worth, personal boundaries, and a sense of autonomy.

Change starts from within. When I start behaving differently, setting my own boundaries, my partner inevitably encounters my new reactions. And often this changes their behavior as well. It's a gradual process: my internal changes lead to a new dynamic in the relationship.

But change isn't always possible. Sometimes a partner isn't ready or willing to change. Then the question of choice arises: to remain in this relationship, accepting that it will stay as it is, or to decide to leave.

Choice is responsibility. Staying or leaving – both decisions have consequences. And it's important to honestly answer yourself: "Am I ready to take responsibility for this choice? Where are the most advantages for me, and where are the disadvantages?"

Is it possible to overcome codependency on your own, and when should you seek professional help?

Theoretically, it's possible to overcome codependency independently, but it's a very complex process. After all, it doesn't form overnight – its roots go back to childhood: trauma, attachment styles, and behavioral patterns that we learn from a young age. That's why changing them alone can be difficult.

Of course, a person can start working on themselves:

• read books and articles on this topic,
• listen to podcasts,
• participate in group discussions,
• keep a log of observations,
• practice new behavioral patterns in relationships.

A lot of information is available today, and if you set a goal for yourself, you can take steps towards recovery on your own.

But the main difficulty is that a person can act, sincerely believing that they are doing everything right, and at the same time not see any changes. After all, it is not always possible to independently notice one's blind spots, the deep-seated causes of behavior, and the real root of the problem.

What is the advantage of working with a specialist?

• This is live contact and live feedback.
• There is an opportunity to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and actions together with a professional.
• A specialist helps to get to the root of the problem, to understand why codependency has formed.
• It helps to stabilize the state, restore resources, energy and self-confidence.
• Supports in the most difficult thing – working with one's own fears.

Support is crucial because, often in codependent relationships, a person is exhausted, lacking strength and internal resources. Only when there is support and restored resources does the ability to make decisions, set boundaries, and take responsibility for oneself emerge.