How to Learn to Say "No": Why It's Hard and How to Set Personal Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

We don't lose ourselves suddenly – it happens gradually, every time we agree to something that doesn't suit us.

Remember the scene from "The Devil Wears Prada" where Anne Hathaway's character throws her phone into the fountain? That's what she did.finally sets her personal boundary, showing that her "I" is more important than other people's expectations.

Personal boundaries are not about distance, but about taking care of yourself.

Psychologist and Gestalt therapist Yulia Polishchuk, exclusively for LIGA.net said:

• what personal boundaries are and why they are important for mental health;
• how to learn to listen to your needs and notice when boundaries are being violated;
• how to set personal boundaries;
• why guilt arises after rejection and how to learn to reduce it;
• how to refuse calmly and without aggression;
• where to start practicing the skill of saying "no" in real life;
• how the ability to set boundaries affects self-esteem and quality of life.

What are personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries usually refer to a person's ability to say "yes" to what suits them and "no" to what harms them. It also involves the ability to distinguish what is within their responsibility and what is not.

Personal boundaries are the limits where "I" ends and "other" begins. It's the point of contact with another person or the environment – through it we can receive (experience, emotions, support), give (feelings, actions, influence), and simultaneously maintain our integrity.

It is flexible, dynamic, and can change depending on the circumstances, mood, or situation.

Why are they important for mental health and well-being?

Boundaries are necessary for us to maintain our own integrity. They protect us from "dissolving" into the needs and feelings of others, which often leads to burnout, exhaustion, anxiety, or depression.

Boundaries ensure safe relationships with others: when we have the ability to be close without losing ourselves, and at the same time can distance ourselves from another without feeling guilty. This allows us to stay in touch without merging or cutting ourselves off from others.

According to research, social connections and relationships are one of the key factors in mental health and well-being.

Personal boundaries shape a sense of self-respect, dignity, and self-worth: I know that I can stand up for myself, express myself, stay with another person without losing myself, and do what is important to me.

How to learn to better listen to your needs and notice when your boundaries are being violated.

To learn how to listen to yourself, your needs, and your values, it's important to slow down and start listening.

First, it's worth paying attention to your body and its signals:

• Am I cold?
• Am I hungry?
• Is my clothing comfortable?

Listen to these impulses and try to respond to them immediately.

You can also do simple exercises. For example, set a reminder on your phone with the question: "What do I want right now?" and answer it 1-3 times a day. The main thing is to realize these desires immediately, as much as possible.

Another option is to set aside time with a partner or friend to talk about what you want and agree on how to make it happen.

If this is difficult, you can seek therapy with the appropriate request.

How to learn to notice when our boundaries are being violated.

When we ourselves violate our own boundaries or others do so, we feel tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, irritated, sad, or even want to avoid certain people or things.

It's important to notice these feelings and understand what needs they are signaling. It's worth trying to approach people with these feelings and needs and communicate openly about them. If it's difficult to do this on your own, it's helpful to seek therapy.

Examples of boundary violations:

• You meet an acquaintance in the park, and within 10 minutes you learn so much about her that you could write a book.
• You notice that you are eating in company, even though you weren't hungry.
• You say you can't take on a new project because you're overloaded with work, but a colleague insists, and you agree because "no one else can do it."
• You can't make a decision until you talk to your mom.
• You are convinced that you are to blame for all the problems in your relationship.

Why is it difficult to set personal boundaries?

Setting boundaries – talking about your needs, about what you can't tolerate or what you want – is really difficult. We often replay unpleasant conversations in our heads over and over again, preparing for the worst possible outcome.

We may focus on fears: that we will be angered, stop communicating, lose relationships, or be called selfish.

These thoughts are based on fear. And fear is often irrational. We cannot predict the reactions of other people – and we don't actually know how they will react.

Personal boundaries in relationships

The most common fear is the fear of losing relationships. And it's perfectly understandable, because closeness and connection are very important to us. But at the same time, we also lose relationships when we don't talk about our needs, when we dissolve into another person, or avoid contact if we feel bad about it. Temporary discomfort for the sake of healthy, honest relationships is definitely worth it.

How to work with this? Choose a person you feel safe with, tell them you're learning to talk about your boundaries, and start practicing.

Why does guilt often arise after refusal, and how to learn to reduce it?

Feeling guilty is a natural part of the process of setting personal boundaries. From childhood, many of us have been made to feel guilty simply for having our own needs and desires.

For example, in childhood, we were forced to hug those we didn't want to, share toys even if we didn't want to, or eat things we didn't like. Therefore, in adulthood, it can be difficult to refuse such behavior – it seems that otherwise we "create problems" or "become difficult people".

Guilt is an emotion, and it passes, usually quite quickly. If you feel guilty because you broke an agreement due to changed circumstances, it's a natural reaction: the emotion signals that something has changed in the interaction.

But if guilt arises when you're simply talking about your needs, about what makes you comfortable, or about your own desires, then it's already a toxic feeling of guilt that's worth working through in therapy.

Accept guilt as part of the process – just like fear, sadness, or discomfort. It's not an enemy, but a signal that you're learning to be yourself.

How to phrase a refusal so that it sounds clear and calm.

To effectively talk about your boundaries, it's important to:

• describe another person's behavior with facts, without judgment;
• express your feelings and emotions in relation to this behavior;
• say how you would like another person to act;
• be prepared to support her in changing her behavior.

For a better understanding, you can read books about nonviolent and assertive communication.

Example 1. An argument with raised voices.

"When we argue and you raise your voice, I get scared, and I don't like this way of communicating. I would like you to stop when you feel you're getting very angry and not resort to shouting. Can we agree on this? If you raise your voice, I will tell you about it and stop the conversation."

It's important to be prepared to discuss your boundaries several times and to uphold your own requirements.

Next, actually stop the conversation when someone raises their voice.

Example 2. A friend asks to reschedule a meeting.

"I'd like to meet with you, but my schedule doesn't allow it right now. I'm sorry. Can we reschedule for another day – perhaps next week?"

Where to start building personal boundaries?

Start with the intention of taking care of yourself and your comfort. Pay attention to the little things where you can choose yourself:

• wear comfortable clothes,
• Don't eat "for company" if you don't want to.
• Allow yourself to sleep instead of exercising if your body needs it.

Gradually move towards communication: tell someone you feel safe with what you like and dislike about your relationship.

Choose one thing and focus on that skill for a month – that's enough to start feeling the changes.

How does the ability to set boundaries affect our self-esteem and relationships in the future?

If your relationships start to fall apart when you begin to talk about your needs and comfort, the problem isn't with you or your boundaries. The reason lies in how those relationships are currently structured.

Trust, safety, and mutual respect are the foundation of healthy relationships. Without these components, remaining in such a relationship will be painful and exhausting.

Our boundaries should be important primarily to ourselves. No one else is responsible for meeting our needs and creating our comfort.

We don't usually stumble into good relationships – we create them. Sometimes, it's the uncomfortable, honest conversations that can save those relationships.

People will treat you the way you define – through your personal boundaries.

Burnout is the result of unhealthy or nonexistent boundaries.

Remember: there will always be people whose expectations you cannot meet. Taking care of your well-being, boundaries, and needs is your responsibility.